a non-chronological memoir of my unemployment (but if you're new, start from the bottom, work your way up)
crafting for the marginally employed:
step 1: have cardboard box
step 2: have cat
step 3: step 1 & step 2 combine on their own.
send photos of your cat crafting projects to: ke**y.blanc*at@hellokitty.com (yes, it IS real).
(i received an official job offer today… at the Ford Foundation.)
i’m not sure how to make this post funny, but here’s a shot:
i used to live in san francisco, during master’s degree stunt part 1. i eventually left (there are two people in the world that HATE san francisco, one of which is me, maybe because of what happens next, but maybe because the locals are turds and the public transportation sucks).
during a trip home to florida i received a coupon to olan mills portrait studio. i put on a gold dress and packed up my beloved 15 year old dog, chrissy sasha rae. we totally matched (how all dogs and their owners match) and the pictures are cheesy and amazing and i have a 20x24 print in a gaudy gold, carved wooden frame, that my boyfriend won’t let me hang in the bedroom (who really wants that looking down on them …at night?).
two days after the photo shoot my beloved blonde haired dog had a brain aneurysm and died. i’m pretty sure the flashing lights killed her. i got 12 wallets, 4 5x7s, and 2 20x24s for $9.99, and chrissy got a marble urn on the mantle.
blanch-oh-god-it-hurts.
sometimes i bring my laptop into the bathroom… a la how ralphie brought his little orphan annie decoder ring into the bathroom.
i could be in the bathroom right now. i could be g-chatting you from the bathroom later today.
the perks of not being at work right now! blanch-unemployed-…again
blanch loves her friends, but sometimes they sleep with stupid girls. sometimes these girls can be described with the word, “twit,” short for “nitwit” (also slightly less vulgar than the word i actually want to say).
this weekend my friend ev** introduced me to a “twit.” she was really annoying, the kind of annoying that ruins a good joke or drinks the last beer on earth in the middle of a snow storm.
she asked me if i was growing dreads. i am not.
but when she dragged my friend away for the night, she mistook a $50 dollar bill for a $5, and the two hours spent listening to the shrill of her voice hurt a little bit less.
blanch-makes-mad-money-off-a-twitter
to maintain the illusion that that my friends & family buy me expensive christmas presents i am herewith going to sign my e-mails with “Sent from my iPad.”
(oh, did you know my birthday is soon? buy me a SHARK IN A JAR. yes, literally, a SHARK IN A JAR. available at Evolution in SoHo.)
(sent from my iPad)
even though i have a full-time job, i’m still finding myself eating like a homeless person (if homeless people have mugs and rice): white rice out of a mug because all the bowls are dirty.
(obvious from the picture, right? please note that ms. rice is in a democrat mug featuring bill clinton, robert kennedy, eleanor roosevelt, etc., and the actual mug i’m eating from! i love political references.)
happy holidays everyone! feed the homeless.
on saturday i threw a birthday party for jay-z.
we made cupcakes.
i think both the bar where the party was held AND jay-z should thank me / pay me for all the support & free press. i might make a resume for all the places i single-handedly keep in business with either my frequent visits or persistent recommendations to others.
sample list (no particular order):
1) tuck shop, NYC
2) pies N’ thighs, NYC (but fyi guys, you gotta bring your fried chicken back up to par)
3) McDonalds, everywhere
4) Wendy’s, everywhere
5) Halal Truck, side of the road, only in places that aren’t racist
6) the brussel sprout industry, Poland(?)
you’re welcome!
in the summer of 2006 (the hottest summer ever & i lived with 7 boys; the summer i never, ever wore pants; the summer we slept outside, in the dining room, with fans pointed at our crotches; ate so many freeze-pops we peed rainbows) i interviewed high school seniors for their college applications to sar** lawre*ce coll**e.
It was my job to find out what they could offer the school as individuals blah blah blah… applicants thought these interviews were pretty important: boys wore suits. hippies rolled their dreadlocks clean and tight, etc.
a standard ‘start-up’ question was, “what are you looking for in a college?” (when it’s speed-dating for future resumes you have to start somewhere…)
this one time a student answered, “i want a big school with air conditioning.”
blanch-almost-died-from-the-heat-in-my-dorm-the-size-of-a-postage-stamp.
as most of you know (unless you are a stranger and have stumbled upon my blog… weird) i like to come up with business ventures that involve puppies (i.e.: heavy petting: a massage parlor for pets, & puppypredators.com a website dedicated to david’s obsession with strange dogs and their freaked-out owners).
today david had to tell me, “don’t kiss strange dogs,” as we walked past the dog park.
oh, LOOK WHO’S TALKING NOW! (edit: I believe the proper reference should have been “LOOK WHO’S TALKING TOO” but that makes less sense grammatically). we might have our first fight later.
ps: i’m a great dog-sitter. dogs love me. i charge $35 / day.
When I was a senior in college I worked at the Nordstrom department store (or as my southern family calls it, “NorstromS”) for a single day.
I spent that day unsuccessfully trying to convince a size 0 that she did not look fat in her jeans. Obviously I suck at feigning pleasantries to people I am morally opposed to existing: women the size of toothpicks who insist they are obese, have cellulite, or need you to tell them they are thin. This concept is like that song / cheer from the movie “Bring it On” (rent it, it’s a great film): “Hate us ‘cause we‘re beautiful, well we don’t like you either!”
I prefer my toothpicks to hold tiny pieces of cheese on a platter. Later they can be used to pick the remaining cheese out of my front teeth. Two purposes! Blanch-hates-pants.
i have 4 responsibilities in my life right now. 3 jobs and my library science master’s program. 3/4’s of these things involve paper production, printed paper, and printed paper that has been bound and covered. 1/2 of these things involve covering things with glue.
when i go crazy as a bonafide librarian (somewhere around 2012), i’ll probably glue together all the pages of all the books in the library. right now is good training time for my inevitable cracking. blanch-sticks-on-you.
we didn’t make too much trouble in Ithaca…
My delinquency on this blog has been a result of things not going so bad lately…
for instance, today a mechanic rotated my tires for free, my car stopped shaking violently, and I GOT A JOB. It’s on a trial basis for the first few days, starting next week, but it’s the paper production job that was (drum roll please) the inspiration for making this blog.
David and I are driving to Ithaca this weekend. I’ll make sure we get into some sort of silly non-sense / trouble / bar fight, then I’ll come home, open photoshop, and make a blog post to trump all blog posts.
blanch-EMPLOYED
services I don’t charge money for:
a) being a friend
b) playing with animals
c) advice on killing cock-roaches (a weird combination of a & b)
…later
it worked. now i just wish i wasn’t the girl who knew how to kill cock-roaches. blanch-terminator.
last week, while temping at my friend’s gallery in NYC I spent a lot of time in the post office. on a busy thursday, a woman walked in wearing sweatpants carrying stupid (small), white fluffy dog. she cut the line, and i was next to be called. the post office worker, Xenia (not warrior princess), told her that she would not be served because a) she cut the line and b) she had a dog, post office contraband, as established on the front door: “NO DOGS.” but she refused to leave blah blah blah … i stepped in.
Right up in her face: “HEY, WHY DON’T YOU FOLLOW THE RULES & LISTEN TO THE LADY? WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?,” I (technically) screamed at this woman in the post office, and yet no reaction (except for the worst angry facial expression I’ve ever seen; I think she mentally punched me).
MY REASONING: this girl a) had an expensive dog b) was wearing sweat pants. Dog + Sweatpants + weekday afternoon in Chelsea… this isn’t a Spoon concert folks (see earlier post), that was a Rich Bitch, and blanch went Larry David on her ass. Blanch-post-office-hero.
